Documentary May Cry
by The Tyrant Hamster
Summary: Dante and his allies face many ordeals, but few are quite as bizarre or as troubling as this...


_This story is written solely for the purpose of entertainment. No original characters were harmed in the making of this story, but some were used where none of the canon cast fit the bill. Arson, Reiko and Hade are property of bustahead, Keahi is property of Lori._

----

The phone rung, and a leather boot slammed into the worn wooden desk besides it, catapulting the receiver through the air in a parabolic arc, straight into the calmly awaiting outstretched hand of the boot-owner. "Devil May Cry" Dante said, prompting the person on the other end to cut straight to the point.

Sitting on the other end of the desk reading the latest issue of _So You Like Guns Huh?_, Lady cast him a withering glare. "Stop doing that, the novelty wore off 700 fanfic rehashes ago. At least think of a new trick or God forbid, answer it like a civil person" she reprimanded him scornfully.

Dante cast her a resentful look, but didn't reply, listening as the person on the phone filled him in. While he took down the details to surmise to Lady and the readers in a minute, the focus drifted to Lady. She rolled her eyes and pointedly ignored it, reading her magazine as it went about describing her. We all know though that 90 of the readers skim through the description of her attire, even if for once she's wearing a different outfit, find the part detailing her breasts, however brief, and read it five times. So here you go, she has breasts, a full, firm, plump, curved, squeezable bosom, real handfuls. "Hands where I can see them" Lady growled as Dante got off the phone, and then she glanced at him to inquire if it was a serious call.

Dante stood up. "It's legit, an infestation of demons from Devil May Cry 3, even though their enemy files state they are normally jailers in the Underworld and thus should almost never be seen outside of the Temen-Ni-Gru incident" he explained.

"Ugh, _again_? As if I didn't fight enough of those during the ending credits" Lady muttered, but she got up anyway and went to fetch Kalina Anne.

"The person said they'd meet us there to show us where to find them" Dante added as he grabbed his coat, and after a warning look from Lady, put it on and holstered his guns and Alastor calmly.

Less than a minute later they were ready to go, and stood before the desk. After a few seconds, they were still standing before the desk, and Lady looked at Dante impatiently. "Let's go then" she said.

"Right, sure, we're going" Dante said with a confident smirk. But then that confidence faded, and he added "It's just...".

Lady turned to him, raising her eyebrow. "Just what?" she pressed, "You're not scared of a few common demons are you?".

"Of course not!" Dante snapped back as if she had asked if he and Vergil played House as kids. "It's not that, I just have a..." he trailed off a tad sheepishly.

Lady continued to look at him quizzically, and then suddenly a thought crossed her mind. "Dante Sparda" she said levelly, not giving a damn right then whether or not it was his actual last name, she needed it for punch. "You had better not be foreshadowing, because so help me if you're having an _uneasy feeling_ I will walk out that door and take care of this whole thing myself".

Dante looked hurt. "That's not it" he protested, his indignation waning in the face of his embarrassment.

"Then get moving already!" Lady snapped at him.

"Alright then!" Dante threw his hands up, giving Lady a look like she had just asked him to "Defeat Mundus already". He turned to face the door, took a deep breath, and set out across the room.

The room. The front room of the Devil May Cry office, with the worn and beaten desk in the middle facing the door that has suffered repeated abuse, mainly at the hands of Arkham and Trish, but is somehow intact. It has a picture of Dante's mother on it, which somehow survives everything the room goes through, the phone which seems to have no wire attaching the receiver to it, and at various times miscellaneous items such as open, semi-emptied pizza boxes, beer bottles, magazines, Dante's boot/s, and recently Lady's bottom. Dante's slashed glove used to reside there, but Lady told him it was too untidy having old clothes lying around, and that if he valued it so much he should look after it, not just leave it there. Behind the desk is a chair, sometimes on its side, but usually these days, this one included, upright, and not directly behind that is a door to the mysterious rest of the building. There is a fan on the ceiling, despite the fact it was cut down once, and a pool table to the side of the room, despite the fact it was cut in half once, with, it is hypothesized, a full collection of pool balls, meaning Dante either went round and picked them all up, got Lady to do it, or simple bought some more. The heads of various demons, some recognisable, line the walls, each one nailed to it by a sword, the identity of pretty much everyone of which is unknown. There is also at least one naughty poster of the top half of a naked woman with quite decent breasts and stars over the nipples, which kind of defeats the purpose of having Force Edge stabbed into the wall to cover them up from the camera's point of view. The floor and walls are dirty and worn, and the ceiling probably is too, and glumly enough there doesn't seem to be any windows, just a regularly-demolished set of double doors.

Shakily, Dante's hand reached out and grabbed the handle of one of those doors. Crawling forwards on his elbow and stomach, he leaned against it enough to rise to one knee and open the door, gasping raggedly as if he had just fought a thousand demons. Across the room, Lady stared at him blankly. "What took you so long?" she asked eventually.

Dante cast her a resentful look as he struggled to his feet. "That is some of the most overly-described, meticulously depicted terrain in the entire canon" he informed her between heaving gulps of air, his inhuman endurance taxed to its limit by wading through the vast wall of text above.

Lady looked to the Heavens in despair, and then strolled across the room, Dante having cleared the way for her. She stepped past him, and after Dante regained his composure, he followed her out, closing the door.

Dante went to start the motorcycle (yes, it was red), while Lady glanced over at the side of the building, where a figure was knelt. "Something wrong Trish?" she asked.

Trish, who had borrowed one of Lucia's alternate costumes, and was thus clad in clothes sponsored by Diesel, looked up. Attentive observers noted the outfit hugged her chest quite snugly. "Yeah, I found another one" she said, gesturing to a recently-fried electronic device.

Lady shook her head and sighed. "Where was it pointed?" she asked as a matter of process.

Trish hesitated and looked a little uneasy. "... The bathroom window" she said eventually. Lady blanched, and hearing the motorcycle start up, nodded her thanks to Trish for finding and dealing with it. Trish nodded back, and as Lady went over and climbed on the bike behind Dante, muttering darkly as Alastor telepathically complemented the chest that was pressed up against his blade, Trish dumped the remains of the remote video camera in a trash can.

----

Pulling up outside Generic Deserted Location #47, Dante kicked the stand out and waited for Lady to get off before doing so himself (always the gentleman, even in innuendo). "So, the contact should be around here somewhere?" Lady asked.

"Yeah, she said she'd turn up as soon as we got the obligatory dialogue to make it sound like we're concerned out of the way" Dante confirmed.

Sure enough, no sooner had he said this than a figure emerged from the greatest importer of new characters; the shadows. "Hello, you must be his son" she said cryptically, or rather tried to, but everyone who knows anything about Devil May Cry knew what she was on about and so she failed miserably.

"Yeah, sure, what's your name?" Dante said as he walked over to her, Lady following, needing something to call her to distinguish her from the thousands of replicas that came off the same mental factory line as her, if only at least for the duration of this job.

The young girl tilted her head. "You're very powerful. I'm surprised you still bother with pesky tasks like this" she failed to answer his question as they got closer. She was young, 15 at the absolute oldest, with flowing auburn hair and sapphire blue eyes. She stood a shade over 5 foot tall, her build slender, but not overly-fragile, a dancer's body, with long limbs and young, developing breasts we can't dwell on too long because even though the character was obviously designed to be attractive we'll look like paedophiles. She wore a white silken garment with green-

"Alright, enough of this Mystery Girl" Lady said, cutting off the above paragraph as she walked right up to the child. "Give us a reason to care about you before you expect us to memorise lengthy descriptions. Demons, now" she said, grabbing her by the shoulders, spinning her around and forcefully marching her towards the building, which was like a derelict warehouse or something. Dante shrugged and followed suit as after whining for a bit, the newly-dubbed Mystery Girl led them without physical escort.

They walked through rooms that are usually described in some detail even though the environment is almost never used creatively in the choreography of the fight to come, save for maybe jumping off one wall, which is kind of a shame.

Finally they came to an wide open room that was used to store stuff, nobody had cared to pay enough attention to tell what. "This is the place" Mystery Girl announced. Dante strode past her and looked around. He didn't see anything out of the ordinary, but since when has that mattered? Behind him, Lady had already drawn her guns, and was tapping a foot impatiently when a prickling sensation ran over their skin. She sighed, "Can we dispense with the cinematic introductions please? It's not like you're new enemies" she muttered.

With that, cloaked figures loomed out of the dark towards them, red eyes glowing and scythes glinting in the baleful light. Lady then put into action her masterful, skill and experience-honed anti-demon plan. She shot at them. Dante meanwhile fancied a little close combat, and drew Alastor, walking forwards casually.

However, before he could engage, Mystery Girl rushed past him in a blur, although that didn't stop him seeing a pair of long, ornate daggers in her hands. She went up to the nearest demon and slashed it rapidly across the body. She swung out across its neck, severing its head as it collapsed into sand. She then turned and kicked another Hell Pride back into a group of its allies, knocking them all over. She then ran over to a nearby wall for no discernable reason. She then jumped towards the wall, and then jumped off it. She then drew a whole load of throwing knives from somewhere and threw them at the visible demons, hitting them all in the head and killing them. She then landed perfectly and without a hair out of place as more appeared.

Dante gawked, greatly impressed. Lady walked up behind him and smacked him upside the head. "Why are you acting so impressed? You see and do this kind of stuff and more every day" she lectured him.

Dante shook his head, and snapped out of it. "Oh yeah, you're right, I do" he remembered, and strode forwards, shoving Mystery Girl out of the way, incidentally into an open crate, and proceeded to wipe the Hells out much more stylishly and without doing it in that halting drawn out style that makes you think they must just be standing there to give someone enough time to do all that stuff.

Alastor slashed through one Lust, and then suddenly clashed with another sword that blocked it. Dante turned, and was surprised to see his mirror-image looking back at him. "Vergil!" he gasped, seeing his twin standing there in his classic blue coat, Yamato held expertly in his grip and crossed with the blade of Alastor.

Vergil seemed just as surprised to see Dante. "Dante? What are you doing here?" he said, and then looked around. To his shock, he was no longer standing in the cold, hard stone confines of the practice room in the Underworld he had been in a minute ago, but was inexplicably in some generic deserted location, which his brother just happened to occupy. "Damn it!" he suddenly cursed, and as Dante just watched in bemusement, he pulled Yamato away, sheathed it, shoved a Sloth out of the way and left via a hole he made in the wall.

Dante stared for a long moment, and then shrugged and went back to killing the demons that had waited patiently. "Too easy" he said when it was all over. He looked around, "Where'd the girl go?" he asked.

Lady, who was sitting on a crate casually reloading her guns, innocently replied "Oh she uh, vanished mysteriously, you know, to return later with equal lack of announcement".

Dante shook his head. "Ugh, that's so old" he said, and then threw Alastor up in the air, making it spin end over end before catching it, placing it on his back and turning to leave. The irony was lost on him, but not on Lady, who followed after making sure she'd put a very heavy object on the lid of the crate she was on.

As they left, a mysterious figure watched them from the shadows. "Have your fun while you can, son of Sparda" it said to itself. "Soon my plans will be set in motion, and then I promise you, you will never smile again" and with that, laughing darkly the figure turned and entered a floating portal that closed behind him, vanishing from sight and the readers' interest.

----

Pulling up back at Devil May Cry, Dante parked the bike and along with Lady walked back into the shop, another job done, albeit a simple one. As they opened the doors, they found changes were afoot. Lucia held a broom, which she had invested considerable Red Orbs in upgrading to level 5. Only someone with at least her superhuman strength and a fully upgraded Devil Arm could hope to take on the challenge before her: cleaning the office.

Across the room from her in an area she had cleared out, a vampire was hanging up some decorations. Lady went to relieve Lucia so she could recuperate some, though her human constitution meant she would only be able to cover for a little while. Dante meanwhile went over to the vampire. "How's it coming Reiko?" he asked, deftly introducing the original character.

Reiko looked at him a little awkwardly, pausing before replying "Quite well". He was feeling a bit out of his element, as it was very difficult to maintain his brooding, melancholy disposition while doing something as cheery as hanging up decorations. He'd resigned to carry out the task and keep his dialogue to a minimum.

As to _why_ he was hanging up decorations in the Devil May Cry office, well the answer was simple. Dante had decided to throw a party. It hadn't been wholly his idea, cobbled together from suggestions, offhand comments and impressions others had given him, but once he set his mind on it, it became his mission. He had enough humanity in him that he enjoyed more diverse things than slaughtering hordes of monsters from another world. He was so busy protecting humans he rarely got to _be_ one, but he treasured that part of him, and so he was determined that this party would happen and be as normal and enjoyable an experience as possible. There would be good food, and drink, and some decorations to set the atmosphere, and music, and he was inviting everyone who could come that helped fight the demon menace. _Yes_, Dante thought with a smile, it would boost morale, build team spirit, and most importantly of all in his eyes, be a damn fun time.

After making sure everything was alright on the decor front, Dante went over to where Lady was starting to fade at the mop. Not wanting her to be embarrassed by her limitations, he said "Hey Lady, take Lucia and buy the supplies will ya? Shopping is boring".

Lady looked over at him. "Alright" she said with a mild scowl. "I guess it would be asking too much of you to handle such a complex task" she thrust the broom into his hand, and as she did, Dante thought he saw a glimmer of gratitude in her eyes.

Still, they had to keep up appearances, and giving a sly wink he replied "Whatever babe, just leave the hard work to me", earning another scowl before Lady took Lucia and the car keys (they have one) and left. Dante watched them go, smirking as the door slammed, then turned his attention to the task before him. Spinning the broom around like it was a sword, he said "This party's gonna be crazy. Let's rock!", and went to work.

Silently witnessing the embarrassingly corny event from the corner, Reiko's mood lifted as it gave him something to brood about.

----

A couple of hours later, Lucia and Lady exited the local shopping centre pushing a convoy of trolleys. "Do we need all this?" Lucia asked, pushing the majority of the load thanks to her strength.

"Trust me, there'll barely be scraps left after the party" Lady said, far more experienced with the ferocious appetites of many of their allies.

"If you are sure" the ever-laconic Lucia replied. The two of them reached the car, a person carrier that had survived through the strict observation of three rules. One: Do not let Dante near it; two: keep it parked away from Devil May Cry; three: DO NOT LET DANTE NEAR IT. They managed to fit all the supplies into it, leaving only the front two seats free, in a display that would have moved Tetris masters to tears.

Lady was just balancing the last couple of bags when suddenly Lucia looked around. Lady noticed her acting strangely and asked "What's wrong".

"I don't know" Lucia replied uncertainly, "I can, sense something".

Lady looked around as well; she lacked her friend's inhuman senses, but she did have a superior intuition. Suddenly a scowl crossed her face, and without a word she marched over to the corner of the building. There, she reached into the shadows and yanked someone out from them, interrupting a monologue about their schemes. "Alright Mystery Boy, _what_ are you doing?" Lady demanded, holding him by his collar.

The freshly-named Mystery Boy spluttered and squirmed, very upset; no one was supposed to _find_ him. "I'm being suspenseful and intriguing by alluding to schemes and threatening the main characters without revealing details" he replied, trying to rally some of his former composure and haughtiness.

"No you're not!" Lady yelled, lifting him off his feet to her face one-handed by the collar. "You're being tedious and annoying. In fact, I'll _tell_ you what you are. You're the creation of all the people who struggle to fit in and stand off to the side alone while other people talk and socialise in groups. You're an attempt by those people to vindicate themselves by pretending they've got some special purpose or other justification that makes them above those they're jealous of, just a pathetic effort to convince themselves they're not bitter and envious by making up reasons to validate not mingling instead of actually trying to make friends or be happy with who they are. You are sad and lonely _incarnate_!" with that, Lady slapped him about with her free hand, and then threw him to the ground. "Grow up and get over it" she said, and then went back to the car, getting in and starting it as Lucia stared at her in awe from the passenger seat, but said nothing.

----

Back at Devil May Cry, inhuman efforts (literally) had turned the place from a economical dump into a place fit for a party. The front office had been tidied up and lightly decorated, with a minor buffet set up to set the mood for early arrivals while the main party was being set up in back. Everyone had a role; Agni and Rudra were doormen/bouncers, dressed in custom made tuxedoes, which sadly made them look comical more than anything, an effect that wasn't helped by them having to wave their swords around to see what they were doing. Nevan was in effect the receptionist, Cerberus was out back keeping the beer and anything else that needed it cold, while Ifrit was taking care of the BBQ. Alastor was the DJ and music manager, and Beowolf currently inhabited the lighting system to give the place some energy, not just static illumination.

In the back, Lady and Trish were walking around, following some crude instructions about where things were Dante had scribbled down on a piece of paper. "It should be... This" Lady said at last, as they came to a closed door. Besides the front, Devil May Cry was a fairly uncharted region, so it could take quite a while to find what you were looking for, depending on your luck. Lady was hoping their luck was good, and if it was, the door before them was a closet that contained, among other things, foldable tables they needed.

"Well, let's see if we have a winner" Trish said, and gripping the door, she gave it a firm tug, and it opened.

"Why isn't this working?! Is something missing? Must more blood be shed?" Vergil yelled, a copy of _The Infernal Times_ (a demonic newspaper) opened to the crosswords section in one hand, a pencil in the other. He was sitting on a very demonic looking toilet.

Lady and Trish both gasped, and the noise alerted Vergil, who looked up. With lightning reflexes he moved the newspaper to cover himself, although the fiery blushes on both women's faces suggested they'd seen plenty, not least of all that there was plenty to see. "What's going on?!" Vergil demanded as he hastily stood and pulled his trousers up, thankfully not having started his business. He barged out of the closet (haha), and before anyone could answer, figured it out for himself. "Not again!" the elder son of Sparda cried in outrage, "I am in the Demon World, not Human, Demon! Everyone saw me remain there at the end of DMC3, stop bringing me back!". With that, he stormed down the hallway, barging past a startled Reiko, who was carrying boxes of pizza, through the building and out the front, silently cursing his clingy fanbase.

"You need an invitation!" Agni called after him, but Vergil ignored him, and strode away from the building.

"No brother. You need an invitation to _attend_, not to leave" Rudra told him from the other side of the doors.

"Oh, I see!" Agni said, but soon asked "But, how can you leave _without attending_?", which stumped Rudra.

Back inside, Trish and Lady just shrugged the event off after failing to make sense of it, and turned back to the closet. They were worried about the demonic toilet, but thankfully it had vanished, leaving far less intimidating items, including the folded tables. They were about to start taking them out, when suddenly a brown-haired teenager walked up to them.

"Where's the toilet?" Arson asked politely, causing Lady and Trish to stare at him in surprise. "What?" he squeaked defensively, blushing under their gaze, "I just don't know where it is". The girls realised he wasn't talking about the toilet they'd just seen, but _any_ toilet, and that the slight bounciness in his impatient stance was probably down to more than just hyperness right now.

"Oh, it's up the stairs, second door to the right" Trish told him.

"Thanks!" Arson replied, and ran for the stairs, singing "I'm Peter Pan!". Trish watched him go, then turned to Lady, who gave her a _don't ask_ look and set to unpacking the tables, Trish shrugging and helping her out.

Upstairs, Arson found the bathroom where Lady had said it was. He opened the door and entered, locking it behind him. Then he waited. After several seconds he looked around sheepishly, muttering "No privacy?". Unfortunately for the young hybrid, someone was determined to document even miniscule and unimportant details, and with a meek whimper, a mortified blush crossed his face as he realised he didn't have a choice.

Stepping up to the toilet, he reached down, unzipped his trousers, pulled out his penis and proceeded to urinate into the bowl, distracting himself by studying a crack in the wall with furious intensity, trying to start up a whistle a few times, but each attempt died on his lips in embarrassment. When he finished, he tucked himself away, washed his hands, and then went to the door and opened it, someone was there to greet him.

"What took you so long?" Zone, a Syrian hamster, asked him from floor level. Arson merely gave him a haunted look, and then slunk off to go and rock back and forth somewhere until the trauma wore off. Zone watched him go, shook his head, and then went into the bathroom. Stopping, he turned and chuckled. "I don't think you're quite ready to see this yet" he said, and then closed a scene change on the perspective.

----

Later on, the party was in full swing. Dante walked into the room and looked around; he knew everyone here to some extent, and despite their ridiculously varied origins and personalities, the good mood and common bond of what they fought for overcame all differences on this day, and everyone was having a good time.

He saw Reiko off in one corner, the recluse vampire having opened up some as he was now in a quiet but engaging conversation with Keahi. Over there Nevan, her job finished for the night now that all of the guests had arrived, had managed to help Arson overcome his ordeal, although he had been oblivious to the sexual nature of her generosity, even when she had cuddled him so that his face was virtually submerged in her cleavage. Looking for Lady, Dante saw she was deep in conversation with Hade, the two discussing a common passion of theirs, firearms, sharing experiences, insights and opinions on all things that shoot. Over by the food table, Zone somehow had both Trish and Lucia all to himself; Dante could only guess what kind of story the brazen rodent was telling to captivate both their attentions.

Dante walked to the main buffet, where all sorts of food was on offer, just as Reiko came over to get new drinks for himself and Keahi. "Fun party huh Reiko?" Dante said conversationally as he loaded his plate.

"It is" Reiko admitted, unable to deny he was enjoying himself despite his typically brooding demeanour.

Dante smiled, glad things were going well. "Can you pass me the peanuts?" he asked, and Reiko nodded, passing a bowl over to him. Dante put a handful on his plate, and then passed on the bowl in polite tradition, to Vergil. Vergil, who had been expecting a sheaf of papers, failed to grasp the bowl properly, and it fell and smashed on the ground, drawing attention from the room.

Vergil looked around bewildered. One second ago he had been in a meeting in the Underworld, which had a lot more bureaucracy to it than most realised, accepting a report on torture methods to be approved while addressing a gathering of senior demons. Looking around, his expression darkened, and he cried out "_Damn me_!". It wasn't a curse, but a request; he was damned, in the demon realm, and wished that people would leave him there. Furiously he stormed out of the party pausing only to kick Agni's ass for trying to stop him.

Not really knowing what to make of it, the party guests just shrugged it off and got back to having a good time. As the day ended and the night drew in, with everyone having a generally fun experience, Dante called for everyone's attention, getting it after a musical sting from Alastor. "Thanks, guys" he said, addressing everyone, a drink in one hand and slice of pizza in the other. He had put some thought into this, and in the end decided to keep it simple. Raising his drink, he said "A toast! To the fandom, because without it we'd only have the canon, there'd be nothing but fighting, and we'd never have a wild party like this". With that, he drunk, and although it was far from the most moving speech ever, everyone agreed and toasted with him.

With that, they were set to have fun long into the night. However, just then Lucia's phone rung. She pulled it out and answered it. After a few moments she said, "We can't finish yet, we haven't met the word count".

Everyone fell into silence as they thought about how to fix this problem. "I'm pretty well-endowed for a hamster" Zone provided, offhanded and nonchalant. The entire room stared at its smallest occupant, who met them all with an incorrigible grin.

"Really? Like, how?" Keahi piped up eventually.

"Well, if I had to sum it up in a nutshell, I'd go for... _Heavy slung_" Zone supplied without fail.

"Yeah, that did it" Dante said, and with that, the party went on long into the night.


End file.
